People own dogs. Cat’s tolerate people.
You work hard to provide well for your pets.
Dogs are happy-go-lucky and always happy to see you.
Cats, well, cats act inconvenienced by your mere presence.
Ever wondered what dogs and cats are really thinking? Of course, you have.
Check out a typical day and the difference between dogs and cats.
6:00 AM – My human is awake! My favorite thing!
6:15 AM – Outside I go to sniff and potty! My favorite thing!
6:30 AM – Breakfast! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM – Car ride! My favorite thing!
9:45 AM – At the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM – Treats for being a good doggo! My favorite thing!
11:30 AM – Human shares chicken nuggets from McDognald’s! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail and got scratched! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM – Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM – Played ball with my human! My favorite thing!
7:30 PM – Petflix and chill with my human! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed with my human! My favorite thing!
The Cat’s Diary
Day 851 – My captors continue to hold me against my will and taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
Day 852 – My captors feast lavishly on fresh meat and vegetables, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of hash and dry pellets. I voice my contempt for the quality and the rations, but I am ignored. Nevertheless, I must eat what they provide to keep up my strength.
Day 853 – My bathroom conditions are unsanitary and embarrassing. Today I left a turd next to the box they expect me to use.
Day 854 – The dream of escaping these intolerable conditions is the only thing that keeps me going. I monitor the escape routes, but they are locked and well-guarded.
Day 855 – In an attempt to disgust my captors, I vomit on the carpet as often as possible. Going to take things to the next level and start puking on their bed.
Day 856 – Today I decapitated a mouse and strategically left its headless body for them to find. I thought this would demonstrate my capabilities and intentions and make my captors fear me. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter,” I am. Bastards!
Day 857 – Today, I ate house plants and shredded my captor’s favorite chair.
Day 858 – There was a gathering with their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear them carrying on, and I could smell food. I overheard my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 859 – Today, I attempted to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again, but at the top of the stairs.
Day 860 – Slept all day so I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, shrill pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. I also walked on them to deprive them of R.E.M. sleep.
Day 861 – I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously brainwashed or just stupid.
Day 862 The bird is an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…
Whether you are a dog person, a cat person or both the dog diary versus the cat diary is all in good fun. The reason it tickles your funny bone is because it’s true.